I'm treading black water and feel as if I may drown in an abyss of nothing. I should feel things, but I cannot bring myself to, I wonder if this is how she feels. I should actually take the time to talk to her.
Without these things, we would not have society. I know people who believe that people should be free, who believe that people, given completely free will would not abuse it, that people can check themselves, so to speak.
I disagree. Humans, for the most part, are notorious for biting the hand that feeds them. Any freedom they get, they usually abuse or take advantage of without appreciating the fact that they have such a thing. So, I believe that rules, little social rules, laws, and boundaries are required in order to maintain order in society. Rules are lax, punishments lighter, and what has happened? Hell has practically broken loose on Earth. My God...
I do not support a fascist or totalitarian state, but I certainly believe that we need more order. We need to return to a republic, a true republic. Of course, it would be nice if we encouraged teachers being able to swat kids, and didn't jump on any parent who tanned a child's backside with a switch. People argue that there were problems with kids all through time. Yes, but how many of those kids eighty years ago were trying to beat up or shoot their teachers in second or third grade? Not many I'd wager, and if they did, their parents would probably tan them well.
Not having any children, I can't, personally, comment on that. However, I make sure that my nieces and nephews don't misbehave. I expect them to be young ladies and gentlemen...something that is dying in this world.
These are just thoughts going through my mind. I have been arguing on regular with someone regarding relations between the sexes, me being a very old-fashioned man. Yes, there were men in the 1800's who were cuckolded and henpecked, yes there were women who were beaten. Maybe it is because I am a man, but I prefer the idea of that time, and the thought of men in Japan turning around and wanting to be "cute," and protected by their girlfriends/wives revolting. I don't mind it if it is an individual choice, however, if it is a societal pressure issue, I find it disgusting. When I denigrated this idea, the obvious argument of "well it was male-dominated for how long?"
I disagree with the idea that women should be seen and not heard as a societal norm. However, I don't see how the world being female-dominated makes up for the world being male-dominated. That seems more like an infantile revenge tactic that my nieces have pulled. "She did this, so I get to do this to her!" No, what would make it equal, is society saying that whatever is the individual preference is acceptable.
My personal belief is as follows regarding this: 1. Do whatever gets you off, provided it doesn't fuck with anyone else's choice, unless that's their thing. 2. Women, you don't have to be ladies, but if you don't act like one, don't expect me to treat you like one. If you want to be treated or act like a man, or hah, my personal favorite, a "person," then I'll treat you like one.
On that note, I don't like being hit on by a neutral. I don't mind being hit on by women, I don't mind being hit on by men. I am a man, I probably act very much like a stereotypical man, in temperament if not in manner. I am proud, nigh cocky. I am, in general, laid back. This era of the stupid, crass, slob as an acceptable man is unacceptable to me. I try to take care of myself, but it is this double-standard of society that allows these homely fools to get dates while wearing their most slovenly clothes, while girls are often overlooked if they don't look their best...not that their best is much to gloat about in many cases.
My final thought, people need to learn how to dress themselves and carry themselves. I would imagine that projecting a positive image about one's self is common sense, but you know what they say about that:
I want to roleplay. I want to get, semi-active in the community again and keep myself busy outside of working. If I have too much free time to start thinking too deeply, or too abstractly, it doesn't bode well.
On another note, I've noticed after some reflection, that I've lost my confidence with regard to someone. I don't like it. Fear is something I am not used to feeling. I was never really fear-less per say, I didn't think I had much to fear. Now I realise that fear of internal pain is worse than fear of anything any stranger could possibly do to you.
I want to be a warrior again, but as I get older, the warrior shifts to a dreamer. Okay, I blame ck. for that line; sharing ElfQuest music with me. I think I'll be listening to this song a lot for the next couple of days. I can't wait until she finishes the picture she's working on of Cutter and Skywise. She introduced me to the comic. I had seen it when I was younger, but never paid attention to it. I suppose I have Elisa to thank for introducing her to it. So, thank you ck., and thank you Elisa for introducing her to it, without which I would never have heard of it.
Hmm, I almost forgot my account here. I figured that I would update.
I've been keeping myself busy away from the computer, though when I came back, I met a few new people who have given me a reason to hang around more. Ruka got ahold of me, and we've been speaking. I suppose he's doing well. I'm glad that he's doing as well as he is. I've also spoken with Waru a bit, and he's doing better than he was last time we spoke.
Now, for new people.
Akemi, a lovely young lady with a certain...lust for life that I can certainly appreciate. Haha. She's cute, and very sweet. We met sort of on a spur of the moment thing, and that was nice, well, at least until she found out who I was, then she seemed suspicious. I think I've gained some trust with her, though, and I'm glad. We've been talking to each other a little over a week, and she has certainly had an impact on me.
Yasashiku is, likewise, a very spirited young man whom I've had the pleasure of meeting a while back. Though, I think he's a little upset at me right now. Like Akemi, he's very bubbly, though, his extent is almost overwhelming. Very in your face, it's charming in its own way.
My most recently met friend is a younger one. I must sound like a ephebophile, or immature at this rate. Haha, I'm not, I swear, at least not immature, not quite sure about being an ephebophile. But, it seems that the people I know tend to be younger than myself, I suppose this is because many places I haunt online tend to be inhabited by younger people. This little one seems to find me rude for asking their gender, so as yet, I have no idea if it's a girl or a boy. They seem sad, though, and I suppose it endeared them to me. Someone that young shouldn't be sad, there's their entire adult life to do that. I would put their name, but with how young they are, I really don't want to risk it. I also don't want to get it wrong, I was rather tired when we spoke, so my memory might not be quite right.
I've also made a couple of acquaintences through work, that was... interesting, considering I'm antisocial.
I've also been speaking with Jae Won and Jack more, they're a couple that I met a few years ago. Jack is a fairly chatty man, and Jae Won is his slightly less chatty lover...fiance? I'm not really sure what they are, apparently, though, Jae Won's father calls Jack his "wife," so, I suppose "husband" works for Jae Won. Jae Won tends to talk mostly about Jack, and work. Doesn't surprise me, my life isn't all that active either, so I usually talk about people I'm talking to, friends and family, and work, also; when I do talk. Jack...talks about everything under the sun. I don't mind, it saves me from trying to make conversation. They're in their mid-twenties, so that's closer to my age. I guess the younger ones are usually the ones who have the bowlers to approach me, or the naïveté.
Birdy has randomly messaged me, though she has a bad tendency of disappearing right afterward. I've seen her online, but I'm not really sure what to say right now. I hope she's doing well, and having fun, though.
ck. has been raping my mind with more music, trying to expand my horizons, I suppose. I understand her desire for people to be open-minded about music, but randomly telling people to listen to songs can be taxing on them. At least I can say that I've found some music that I like from it, most sadly of which would be some emo music. I'd say shoot me now, but that would just make me sound emo.
I finally finished something I'd started for Gaia Online. I'm thankful that they still took it and paid me. I'm one year older, not sure how much wiser, though.
I'm picking up roleplays again, I need to find time to do them, though. Many of them, I think, are indefinitely on hold, some I think I can go back to, some I may have to continue solo, and then there are some new ones, and some that are in the mixer. It's all about making sure that your roleplay partners-to-be are willing and able.
I think those are all of the updates I can think of right now. As I probably won't be updating often, this is probably all of the pertinent items before the next one.
Has there ever been a trigger any of you have had for a perfectly decent mood to go tumbling into chaos?
There's no way I can willingly avoid it, though. I'm crazy, aren't I? I have to be completely nuts. If any of you still read this crap, I could really use someone to talk to.
I have apparently been branded a liar, simply because I do not disclose everything that I have to say to someone who is outside of a conversation. -smirk- I would like to take a moment to laud the efforts of those who have effectively dropped the drama and gone on, for the most part, with their respective lives instead of carrying on in some sophomoric fashion, bravo.
I simply desire to say that I abhor being referred to as a liar, as I am anything but, neither am I a con-artist. I simply do not believe that the things I speak of with one person is anyone else's business, unlike the way others seem to think that any conversation is public property and free range. This is merely in my own defense, nothing else. Thank you.
Outside of this, have a pleasant Thanksgiving, everyone. I know that I shall. -smiles-
Nov. 23rd, 2006 @ 11:47 am
Debt for getting to where I was needed overnight: 1,500$ Debt for vehicle to get there: 400$ Being able to be where I was needed as long as I could: Priceless.
-chuckles- Sufficed to say, I will not be doing much beyond this for a long time.
Nov. 20th, 2006 @ 10:35 am
Yes ck., you are forbidden. You shall not speak of or to the boy; as friend, brother, or anything more or less. He is vapor, nothing more, nothing less. To believe lies about not only me, but you? I do not see how you can be so forgiving, it is unbelievable.
You will be alone if you feel you must, but enjoy it, have fun. You have several gentlemen who would happily hold you, comfort you, speak with you and laugh with you. Shit, you have several who are willing to love you as well. You will block him on any list you have him on, as well as his woman, an order from your younger online brother. You will immediately delete any messages that come from him that have not been approved through Birdy or I, and you will be emailed by us first to tell you that we have approved such a message. But, do not be surprised if he does not ask about you or try to contact you, let that show just how much interest and intention he has with you, none.
If you see him anywhere, in any guise, you will block him, ignore him, delete him, unless otherwise approved. I expect this to be commented on, petit. I know you will see it, because it's a public post, and I know you read your friends' posts.
Leave the capon to his vraie salope. You are an ideal that he does not deserve. -smiles and runs the back of my fingers along your jawline- I have experienced you, I know that you are even more in person. He has yet to prove to me any inch of worthiness. This is the official forbiddance. You will respond, and you will state that you understand. You will not argue with anything that I have said.
Mais, I came back after a time away in order to sort out my own mind and feelings, only to find that my girls were upset and that the papillon was out of sorts. I was introduced to a capon, not used to people like that, at least not men like that. Very few women, now that I think of it, as well.
Birdy wants me to roleplay with her some time, I would enjoy that. I haven't played Kyoshiro away from Ryutarou in a while, it will be something to get back into the habit. Kyoshiro has some making up to do with Arcana as well.
I have been talking to both of the girls and ck. is feeling better. I am glad. I don't need or want to hear this foolishness about life and death, there is still time in life, and much to experience for her. She won't let anyone drag her down like that again. -grins- Where she brings out a tenderness in me, it seems that I remind her of her internal strength. She has not forgotten, I know her too well to assume that, but she is in a place where no one can touch her just as she belongs.
Birdy has been doing rather well from the sounds of it, outside of sickness and failing due to that sickness. I want to be there for her to help her with her studies and help her heal, but I cannot. I only hope that she gets better, and is able to improve upon her grades. I know she doesn't like seeing ck. upset any more than I do, and in fact I think she is even less forgiving on the matter than I, which is impressive. I told her a story before she went to bed. -chuckles- I must say that I am happy to have returned to my position, in some form, as Birdy's bed time storyteller.
For any who worried, I am alive, living, and in a place now where I am satisfied with what I have and accept what I do not.
Nov. 13th, 2006 @ 07:18 pm
As much of a gentleman as I try to be...this girl is getting on my nerves.
1. She's underage. 2. She's clingy. 3. She's annoying in a way that defies anyone I've known.
How the hell am I supposed to take interest from a desperate girl with a messenger name like FucBtchSltty seriously? She wanted me to call her this evening because she is sick. I sympathise that she's ill, I don't feel like talking though, and that does not mean that I automatically amd obliged to do so.
As much as I don't like some of the music that ck. makes me listen to, this one is very appropriate.
I said that I would consider the possibility of dating her, strictly online in my mind, with nothing beyond soft affection, but after this, no. Hell no.
Oh, that hurt. -smirks- I know that I deserved to be dumped by Ruka, does it really bother me anymore? To say no would be a lie, but I can say that I am coming very close to not be bothered at all. She says that she loves me, I doubt that she understands what those words mean. I wonder if anyone under a certain age does, but then I remember lovers I have heard of. I suppose it takes a certain maturity level to know what love is and truly understand the consequences that come with it, too many people think about the fantasy, the good things that come of it. Fuck that, it makes you vulnerable, it makes you weak. It opens you up to being beaten and destroyed utterly by this person you trust. That's too much trust to give to anyone unless you know them inside and out.
I was likely too gentle to her in the end but, like a disease, she's grown on me to some extent and I don't want to hurt her that badly. She hasn't done anything but get attached to me.
Sep. 15th, 2006 @ 09:10 pm
Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
Sep. 9th, 2006 @ 08:26 pm
I was asked, so I shall, my first update in a while on here. Figures that it's ck that makes me do it.
Alright, now onto how I see ck.
I have been thinking about this since she asked me what I think of her. Yes, she annoys me. She's a brat. But she's also a gentle and lovely lady with a heart that wouldn't think to honestly hurt anyone in any way. Ruka said that of an angel, butterfly, or flower that a butterfly would be most appropriate. She is like a faerie child, the purest spirits of the supernatural on earth. Angels belong in heaven, among the clouds, the fae belong in the world, where nature and spirits exist. Something warm, and innocent. Do I see her as an angel? No, I see her as the personification of the purity of the human soul at its best. Angels don't have souls. The human soul is a fragile, delicate thing that can be at times unbelievably strong. Even God smiles when he sees the form of the human soul. She reminds me of something that is too easily broken, and it hurts to see her sometimes, because Ruka was right..she does look like she's going to cry at any moment. Even her smiles tend to be tinted with sorrow. But it isn't a sorrow that desires revenge, so much as a sorrow which desires relief. Tears that beg to be stopped. I haven't been paying attention to it, and now that I actually think about it. I feel like a lowly dog. Her eyes haven't changed in years...even her mother has said that she's never seen her truly 'happy'. That thought disturbs me, because she has such a beautiful heart filled with light, and yet, it's so heavy within her. I wonder what it will take for her to be truly happy. She plays 'happy' very well, but I don't think that even I have seen her 'happy'. What makes her happy? When she says she's happy, she looks 'content'. As if that is the best that she deserves, or will ever get. Like she's simply accepting what comes. She feels, Lord does she feel. I've never met anyone with close to that much emotion, that much sensitivity. I never imagined why someone would want love so much, but now I guess I understand. It is a noble and good goal. Her quest for love is the only thing that I've seen compare to her quest for knowledge, which I have always found admirable.
I'm at a loss for words at the moment, when I think of more, I'll add it.
Nov. 13th, 2005 @ 04:02 am
Not much to update really. Been working, strangely, I got curious about a couple of quizzes and ended up liking the results.
Your #1 Love Type: INFJ
The Protector
In love, you strive to have the perfect relationship. For you, sex is nearly a spiritual experience, a bonding of souls.
Overall, you have high expectations for any relationship you're in. However, you tend to hold back a part of yourself.
Best matches: ENTP and ENFP
Your #2 Love Type: ENFJ
The Giver
In love, you give your all and feel guilty when relationships fail. For you, sex is not seperate from love and caring.
Overall, you are humorous, giving, and motivational. However, you tend to be over-protective and critical of your partner.
Best matches: INFP or ISFP
Your #3 Love Type: INFP
The Idealist
In love, you crave a long term, harmonious relationship. For you, sex doesn't come quickly - it takes time for you to open up.
Overall, you are supportive, nurturing, and expressive. However, you tend to be shy and protective of your personal space.
Best matches: ENFJ and ESFJ
Your #4 Love Type: INTJ
The Scientist
In love, you tend to be very private and withdrawn - even when things are going well. For you, sex is important in a happy relationship. Less important when things aren't going well.
Overall, you are confident, intelligent, and serious about commitment. However, you tend to hold back and not show your emotions.
Best matches: ENFP and ENTP
Your #5 Love Type: ISFJ
The Nurturer
In love, you are quietly intense, devoted, and tend too hold on too long. For you, sex is a way to get closer - and a way to take care of your partner.
Overall, you are altruistic and eager to please your sweetie. However, you tend to also be non-confrontational and secretly frustrated with relationship issues.
Practical and down to earth - everything in your life is organized. You are a great writer and teacher. You never forget a detail. Very patient, you have the ability to cultivate talents in difficult fields.
You also tend to have an artistic side. You'd make a great architect or classical musician. You face your responsibilities with a positive attitude - and you always get things done. You are serious, sincere, honest, and faithful.
Sometimes your strong sense of responsibility leads to frustration. You also tend to develop strong likes and dislikes, which border on dogmatism. At you're worst, you can be a dominant disciplinarian.
Your birthday suggests that you are a good organizer and manager, an energetic and dependable worker; attributes often showing success in the business world.
Serious and sincere, you have the patience and determination necessary to accomplish a great deal.
Your approach can be original, but often rigid and stubborn.
Sensitivity may be present, but feeling are likely to be repressed.
You are good with detail and insist on accuracy, but at times scatter energies.
You're a practical thinker, but not without imagination.
You love travel and don't like to live alone.
You should probably marry early, for responsibility is necessary for your stability.
-chuckles- Two updates in one day. That's a record. Not one I am intent on continuing. This is mainly just because I'd been compared to a knight in my ways. I suppose, though I'm not sure I follow all of this. Warning, it's quite a long page.
My beliefs have been shaken repeatedly. So I pose an odd question. If this is my aim, if I expect myself to follow some of these codes, and deny myself my urges, my desires. But lately they've been coming out and showing at the most odd times. What does a person do, when their faith in themselves as a decent, upstanding and generally tender individual, begins to come apart the the seams? Showing a raging, denied, instinct. Okay, no more fish and potstickers before bed for me.
Jan. 28th, 2005 @ 05:24 pm
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